Banjo Kazooie Diary Five: Having the time of our lives.

Last week I was witty and rhetorical. Fuck doing that this week because I played;

Gobi’s Valley

Let’s play a game. ‘Never have I ever’. You take a shot if you agree with me. Ready?

Let’s go.

Never ever have I ever cursed at a game.

Never ever have I ever lost to unfair time trials because a secret technique was necessary.

Never ever have I ever died because I touched fucking sand.

Never ever have I ever had to restart and entire level when I had over 90 of the notes because the camera bugged out.

Never ever have I missed the water level in Ocarina of Time.

Never ever have I ever died in a maze merely due to the timer running out.

Never ever have I ever spat on a game developers graves.

Never ever have I ever thrown a controller.

Never ever have I wished I could put whatever genius it was that came up with the idea for time trial puzzles/races into a deep, dark pit of hell.

Never ever have I physically assaulted a camel twice in the same level for my own benefit.

Still alive?

Good. Because if I was drinking along with the game my kidneys and liver would have failed. Or probably just given up.

I am forced to remind you readers of the obvious fact that this is a diary about MY experiences with Banjo Kazooie which involves a slow emulator and a playstation 2 controller. Individual experienced may be subject to change.

Gobi’s dessert fun play land is my least favourite of the levels by far. Everything just seems out to kill you. The beehives now house angry bees intend on bear and bird for dinner, and when you are low on health and out of golden feathers you may just get desperate enough to try. I was also not aware that banjo was anaphylactic. These tiny little bees really hate being disturbed.

This level is based around chicken legs and flying. Two things I am not very good at. As someone with no depth perception flying through small geometry with large touch detection is very difficult and finicky. Somehow I managed, even with emulator lag.

Admittedly I was very disappointed that there was no Mumbo magic or transformations in this world.  God knows that I’ve horded enough of the Tim Allen skulls from Home Improvement to buy just about anything off Mumbo.

The hero of this level is not Banjo, Kazooie or even Bottles but a pitiful camel by the name of Gobi. This camel has it rough. For some reason the writers of the game think that a running joke of hurting this defenseless camel for personal gain is funny. Make me laugh once shame on you. Make me laugh twice shame on me.

So after giving Gobi his second hernia, collecting all five whistling Jinjos and climbing an obviously racist Indian snake charmer’s snake I had done it. I had collected all 100 notes, 10 jiggies, 5 Jinjos and 2 honeycombs. What have I learned? That deserts suck. I am never going back there. Ever.

On another note I just realized that Banjo and Kazooie are named after the instruments they play in the opening.